I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
