I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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