I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
