I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
