just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
