Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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