Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
