im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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