I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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