Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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