Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm sobbing to NWA
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
