I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
