ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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