I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
