Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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