i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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