hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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