nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
