hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
