My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize