If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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