I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
