I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm like, not good at living.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
