need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
