People in love make me want to vomit
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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