That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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