I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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