got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
