i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
