He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
