According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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