Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
