My liver just broke up with me...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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