good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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