You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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