I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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