The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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