Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
