and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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