Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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