My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
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felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
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You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I would ride that face into the sunset