you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
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A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
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He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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