I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
