well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How naked do you want me to be?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
