Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
