my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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