I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
