I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
