Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
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Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
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Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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