I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
