this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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