i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
