I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
why is half of my head shaved?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
