I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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