He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
