the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
