Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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