I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
