Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
