You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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