I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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