in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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